| Wardrobe malfunction I am a person who understands wardrobe malfunctions. It is a problem that frequently plagues me. Singing has always been one of my favorite pastimes. There is nothing like music to release the spirit within. While singing in the choir at my church one morning as a teenager, I noticed that I felt particularly spiritual as I sang and noticeably unencumbered. As a matter of fact, I felt positively light and free. Actually, it dawned on me that I felt freer than I ever had in church. At this point I realized that I had forgotten to wear my bra. Forgetting my clothes is one thing, putting them on properly is another. Several years ago, I did a stint driving a school bus full of adolescents. Adolescents are frequently unruly but I was lucky to have them under control, as they did not know me well enough to disrespect me yet. That would soon change. One morning, as I started out the day only half awake and had to dress quickly as I was running somewhat later than usual. I wore a tee shirt, but as was cold, I also wore a flannel shirt over that and my jacket over both. I picked up my load of students and headed for school. I shed my jacket and continued my drive. Several snickers broke out behind me. A glance in the mirror revealed several smirks, and many averted eyes. I wondered what they were finding so amusing. The girl behind me, a nice mature sort of girl, tapped me on my shoulder. “Your shirt is on wrong side out.” “How embarrassing,” I thought. I took off my flannel shirt to rid my self of the evidence. Unfortunately, peals of mirth erupted from behind me. It seems that in my haste not only did I put my flannel shirt on inside out, but my tee shirt was not only wrong side out but also backwards. Any respect that I had garnered at that point naturally was gone out the proverbial window. I would like to say that I have improved over the years, however, that is not the case. I had to attend a viewing at a funeral home a week ago. As I got out of the car, I noticed that the dress that I was wearing, a long dress with a slit to the knee seemed to be flowing better than usual. I started to look down so that I could check on things, and promptly walked into a sign that was beside the sidewalk. That distracted me so I continued to the funeral home. I walked by all of the folks on the porch, and down the hall to the last room in the building. I asked someone if this is where I was meant to be. She said it was, and as I started to walk on through the crowded room, she pointed out to me that the tail of my dress was folded up, and possibly stuck in my underwear. It was. Well, not too much of me was showing, and at least that day, I remembered to wear underwear. |
| Vitamins James called me on my cell phone from his brother Buford’s house the other night while I was out with friends. He was so excited with the news. After a long conversation with Buford, they had come to a big decision, possibly the biggest decision he and Buford had ever committed to together. They had decided to buy and consume vitamins: and not just any vitamins, but super duper vitamins, the kind seen only on TV. The TV people were so enthused about it, and they just went on and on for 30 minutes about the effects and the special qualities of this particular brand. They promised renewed energy, cleansing the body of toxins, and vitality. They were even going to throw in a monthly magazine for free. They also promised to deliver their fine product in 5-7 days. James had called the 800 number himself, and sure enough the lady from the TV told him it was all true. James was doubly excited as Buford was even going to buy the first batch as a gift to James. Buford is a cautious type, so he decided to let James try them out first. If everything proceeded well at that point, then he would order the next box for himself. First thing they decided after discussing it between them was how to pay for them. Buford has a credit card, but being cautious, he doesn’t much like to use it. He did not want to risk a check either, so they decided that they would buy a money order that very night. That called for a discussion of the best place to buy money orders. James called me regularly to report the latest update on that conversation too. When I got home, James had returned home too. James had not yet bought the money order, but was fixing to go and do that, when I suggested that we call I just write a check over the phone. This upset the plan, so another phone called was required between brothers, and they decided after much anxiety to go ahead and see if it would work. It did. Priority delivery was promised within 5-7 business days. Now that the deed was done, they entered into another hour-long discussion of when to expect the vitamin delivery, and wondered if they might need to take time off from work in order to be there in person when the postman came. Five days passed. The phone rang daily. Buford inquired as to the arrival of the vitamins. The anticipation was so great that I worried that their nerves might give out on them before they came. Finally the day arrived. James took his first dose. Buford watched with intense interest from afar. Every day a new vitamin update was sought and received. James reported more energy, and even found out how toxins were cleansed from the body. Buford was beside himself and could wait no longer - he called in an order of his own and even paid with his credit card. Buford is happy with his vitamins too. If fact he was so impressed that he ordered some more fine products, including some herbal Viagra. He isn’t married so he doesn’t actually need it. But being the cautious type, he figured it wouldn’t hurt to have it on hand what with all the vitality he is feeling these days… just in case. |
| Spike James does odd jobs. The latest job was the oddest of all: he had taken employment from spike, the 40 lb. beagle. Oh, James didn’t know whom he would be working for at first. He naively believed that he would be doing housework, light repair jobs, etc. and believed he may need to walk a dog or two, but little did he realize he would be heeding spike the dog’s commands. James and I went over to meet spike and his companion, Sally the Dalmatian, and they were just as nice as could be in front of their humans. I did notice that spike was rolling his eyes just a bit. Apparently he was mildly disgusted at the mere idea of having someone in the house while his mistress was away, but decided he would soon put a stop to this nonsense. Maybe he figured the money spent on James could be put to better uses, like buying himself better snacks, or more frequent treats. I did mention that he weighed 40 lbs., right? The day came when poor James had to report to work. Sally and spike met him at the door barking loudly. James responded by talking to them nicely and continued to enter the house. He gave Sally a nice leathery treat, which she took and went to her room. You could tell that she sort felt she was selling out, but a treat is a treat, so she decided to let it go. Spike was more determined to put James out, so James whipped out an especially nice doggy biscuit. Spike took it, but you have never seen a dog so torn. Part of him wanted to attack and dislodge this unwelcome guest, but the greed was more that he could bear. He felt so guilty, that after consuming his treat, he decided to double up his efforts and began to snarl and snap. James didn’t want to push his luck, so Spike got another treat. Spike realized that he was on to something. James proceeded to clean spike’s home. Spike proceeded to follow him about the place inspecting every detail of work, flinging insults and criticism at every turn. When spike’s comments turned particularly nasty, he accepted another yet another, and then another treat to placate him. Finally, James had to remove an old air conditioner from the basement. Now, spike had had just about enough. He already had to stand by while James had plundered and ghommed about the whole house, but removing this possibly valuable item was more than he was willing to stand for. He lunged at James’s leg. Fortunately, a box of dry cat food was handy and James scattered it about the floor. Being a neat and tidy dog, spike was compelled to call off the attack and clean up every piece giving James just enough time to drag the thing outside to safety. Spike hurled several rude comments through the screen door expressing his extreme displeasure at this turn of events, and threatened to fire James on the spot and perhaps even sue him. Sally had joined him by now, having finished her chewy goody, and while she was not having much to say, she snubbed him heartedly by refusing to make eye contact no matter how much he tried to get on her good side. James was sort of relieved that spike fired him. Spike is too hard to please and probably should just save his money for better snacks and treats. After all, he only weighs 40 lbs. |
| Psychic folk are often subject to the inane and foolish, and often thought of as eccentric as we have one foot in this world, and one in another. Therefore, I suspect that we might as well enjoy the silliness as well as the challenging. New stories may be added to blog. |
| Unbalanced It began as the same old Wal-Mart shopping trip going on as usual until we arrived at the electronic section. James was looking for a cell phone holder and I was seeking out a new headset. Well, James was squatting down scanning the bottom shelf when I happened to see what I was looking for right beside him. I put my hand on his shoulder as I lowered myself down to be eye level with the object I desired. Well, I have to say I am not as small as when we were first married and he may not be as steady either as I sent him toppling over backwards. Of course when he went over, I lost my shoulder grip so I went on down too. I tried to land in a semi-dignified squat but naturally that did not happen. I landed with a thud and rolled on back too. At this point, poor James ( who is easily mortified) took hold of my shoulder in order to right himself evidently unaware that the law of gravity was still having it's way with me. Instead of heaving himself forward, he merely hastened my descent on back until I was nearly flat on my back-- where he was sent into tumbling backwards part 2. Actually, I was only nearly flat, as it is not possible to be flat if your shoulders are forward and your knees are drawn up so that you actually look like some sort of deranged armadillo. Well, not to be outdone, I grabbed hold of my man, and since he had only achieved a semi squat all I accomplished was to set him back on his behind and completed his trilogy of falling part 3. At this point, I had the clarity of mind to recall fire safety tips and stopped, dropped and rolled to my side until I managed to get control of my physical functions which until that moment I feared had totally escaped me. I finally managed to obtain a sitting position. James had regained a nonchalant squatting pose and was staring intently at the products ahead evidently pretending that he had no concept of whom I was and in fact was only partially aware that I was even there at all. Meanwhile, I tried to look as though it was perfectly natural if not preferable to sit on the floor while shopping for phone paraphernalia. I was thinking that at least we were not disgraced publicly as the aisle was empty until I heard the wall-mart employee beside me inquire, " M’am, is there anyway I can do to help you?" I told her "no thanks, I’m just looking." |
| These and other stories written by Angela were originally aired by WNCW |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
| (Regional winner in newspaper column contest) NICOTINE WITHDRAWAL My husband James has decided to stop smoking- I just hope the he-- and I-- will survive the transition. Lately one morning, he seemed to be taking it especially hard. Since James is the sweetest man ever, this morning was especially hard to imagine. We needed air in a tire so we pulled up to an air/vacuum machine which was still running from previous use. However, it was a mischievous machine-- a prankster type that enjoys keeping money and blowing when it should have sucked, etc. He literally leapt from the still rolling truck while throwing into park in mid jump-- yelled at me to jump out quickly and unscrew the cap of the tire, grabbed the hose and ran racing around the truck when it stopped running the second he touched it to the tire valve. It stopped the second it touched the valve. He was so aggravated, but we finally dug up 3 quarters. He put them in the machine, and -- NOTHING. I think it might have sniggered, but NO air. James lost it. He decided to teach it a lesson it would not soon forget and gave it a swift kick right in it's CEMENT bottom. The machine secretly laughed. James then did a dance– not unlike a monkey on a drunken binge. He was mad though and figured he could take it out with his bare hands and began to b-slap it about on it’s stainless steel body. The machine was slightly interested but held firm to it’s principles and James’s money. James did another dance interpretation of the dance of the broken hand. He then swore he would take complete vengeance and cut up the hose. Fortunately, james does not carry a knife. he did however whip out a lighter and preceded to attempt to set it on fire. At this point, the machine actually became concerned for James’s well being and blew out the lighter, and I managed to get him in the truck. Poor James finally settled down and we went to the next store where we preceded to insert 2 quarters into a nicer machine which kindly gave us air. Since there was some time left over, James took the vacuum hose and switched it over to vacuum for the remaining time. Evidently, the other machine had sent this one an email telling him of James and his antics because (and I am not making this up) the second he switched it to vacuum, the hose grabbed on full force to his crotch. James did not know whether to be afraid, attacked or pleasured but he was certainly surprised. He disengaged himself, slunk over to the truck, and vacuumed his side of the vehicle silently. Evidently the withdrawal was not over. Sometimes, James will wake me up in middle of the night frozen in terror because of something had has startled him. He enjoys spreading the fear around as he will whisper loudly and deeply into my sleeping ear "a-n-n- n-g-g-e." This of course wakes me up with the onset of yet another heart attack, but He seems to think that I am capable of fending off any sort nightly intruders. That night, on my way to bed, I noticed that James had plugged in something to be charged. It was glowing green, and I thought nothing of it. I had finally drifted off into a peaceful sleep when James's terrified voice filters in-- "a-a-a- annnnggge... what is that?" referring to the glowing light. It seems that it appeared to James to be in the sky and headed toward our bedroom. I tried to explain to no avail. I reassured him it was his charger. He denied it was his charger, and in fact doubted in the existence of chargers altogether. He felt certain, in fact, that it was aliens and they were coming straight for us. In fact, he was quite convinced they were flashing green right in our room. He said later he wanted to pray but couldn't find the words to do so. I’m hopeful the nicotine is gone for good so that James can relax and finally, so can I. |